Why is it people hold grudges? Why is my decision whether or not to remain in a relationship 1 and a half years ago still cause for people to treat me like I am worthless? And why do I still desperately miss the friends who now hate me?
I just spent 15 minutes in the shopping centre car park after Thursday night food shopping, sobbing my eyes out. Friends, who once counted me as close as a friend could be, went through the Woolies aisle next to me, obviously also trying to squeeze a weeks worth of food out of as little actual money as possible.
This one particular person also said once, on her wedding day, that if I was ever to leave my husband, she would miss him dearly but I was her friend for life. Well, it must have been Mr. Jack Daniels who promised me that, because the silence was deafening. Eyes averted, talking as quietly as possible, they pretended I wasn't there. As we lifted and shifted, swiped and paid, I twice went to say hello and twice was meet with purposefully turned backs.
Things have happened in past weeks that have really turned 2011 on it's head. Fires, floods, earthquakes and now a possible nuclear meltdown. There are far, far worse things that can happen to a person in their life than the things I have experienced. So, why the childish silence? It's enough to make a person wild with anger. And if I am angry, why the tears?
The tears are because I still care. Despite a year and a half of solid silence, despite contact and pleas for understanding and apologies, they continue to ignore me, but I still care about them. And I miss them. And their carefully contrived silence hurts.
I am the only person who has to live in my skin, and the my choices are just that: mine. Sometimes I make mistakes, don't we all? A true friend would stick by you, even of they disagree with your decisions, and love you despite your faults.
I miss you guys. I am sorry for whatever wrong I did you, even though I have no idea what it could be. If it is the fact that my family now lives in 2 houses instead of one, I want you to know that I did what I thought was best, and what you see from the outside isn't always how it is. I hope that you can understand, and know that the driving light in my life is Ava and everything else is secondary. I wish for you the same things I did 2 years ago; happiness, family, love, security and a life lived with no regrets. I know that you will probably never read this, but if there comes a time in your life where you think you could not hate me, I hope the universe finds wings to speed these thoughts and wishes to you.