Monday, March 7, 2011

Pre and post babies... a glossary

Pre: Carefully chosen and colour co-ordinated earrings, necklaces, watches, belts and rings. All fashionable, in style, amazingly modern or uber-retro.
Post: Washed hair and clothes that have not been peed on, puked on, snotted on or cried into. Ironing optional.

Pre: Pert mounds, high and firm, with tiny nipples. Definitely face north.
Post: Two sad, deflated sacs that sit up relatively high until the moment you take off your super-supportive, wired, corseted, titanium lined, hideously expensive brasserie, and then flank your belly button under your nightie.

Pre: a careful procedure, best done twice weekly by selecting the best, preferably expensive creams and lotions containing perfectly round beads of non animal derived ingredients to smooth and brighten skin by removing dead skin cells.
Post: A brisk rub with a towel after a even brisker shower. Every other day if you are organised or very lucky.

Girls night
Pre: silly, funny drunken fun.
Post: silly, silly Pony/Disney/fairy movies that you have already seen 1000 times. Little girls hyped up on sugar. Tantrums and/or vomit.

Pre: bodily waste, bi-product of digestion, definitely taboo conversation topic.
Post: yardstick for child development, completely acceptable topic of conversation, needs to be sifted when a curious child swallows a two dollar coin.

Pre: Carefully budgeted into savings, spending, bills and rent.
Post: What's that?

Pre: A fuzzy dream that somewhere, there is a soul mate for you, someone to complete you and make you whole. Someone to hold, kiss, cry and laugh with. Someone who holds you high and holds your hand, and will keep holding your hand for as long as you both live.
Post: Your child.

Because I didn't really know what love was until she came into my world.

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