Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Do you love him?

A couple of days ago, I was driving along and a bike wizzed out in front of me as I was about to pull out onto the road. I don't know who was in the wrong, probably me, but it was never going to be an accident, my car was barely moving. He flipped me the bird and called a torrent of abuse over his shoulder. Logically, I started crying. Must have been PMS-ing.

I wondered, as I was driving home, whether this person gave any thought to the consequence of his actions. Did he think I would be upset? Or did he just say whatever he felt in order to make himself feel better with no regard to my feelings or what actually went on? Do people think about the impact that mouthing off can have on other people?

Recently, at a wedding, someone asked me, "So, how's it all going (with His Majesty)?" I didn't really know what to say. So she says, "Do you love him?" and I was really taken aback, and I got a little bit upset because in a year and a bit, nobody had asked me if I loved the man I share my life with. It took me a while to put things into place in my head after that realisation and to answer that, yes, I do. I love him.

In all the confusion surrounding the end of marriage and the beginning of my new relationship, a lot of people were very quick to talk and judge, but nobody (it felt like nobody) bothered to ask me if I was happier, nobody asked me if I loved this man. People said I should have waited longer. People said I shouldn't have left. People said he was confused. People said a lot of things, but didn't remember that I am a real person, with real feelings.

To all the people who have called me immoral, a tramp, spread rumours, whatever....Hmmmmm. I was going to write all nice things here. Come talk to me, imagine how it makes me feel, blah blah blah, but the truth is that I don't care. I am the only person who can live my life and I am doing the best I can.

Except the person who spread the rumour about me neglecting my daughter. If you (and I know who you are) ever admit that it was you, you'd better be as far away from me as you can possibly be.

 Back to the first paragraph.

I was also very appreciative and quite touched. The person who asked me has been a wonderful friend to us, and has never passed judgement, never criticised, never said hurtful things. She and her husband had steadfastly been our friends, even though we don't see each other all that often, stupid busy lives we lead!

Thank you for caring about how I am. Thank you for seeing me, a real person with real feelings, and not just the fact that I am not with my husband anymore. My life is enriched because you are in it.
Thank you.


  1. OK, Normally I wouldn't comment on something so deep and emotional - only because you know me and I ALWAYS manage it to come out wrong and make things worse. This time I am going to try because if I get it right you might be able to see how much we care and DO see you as someone who has emotions - just like everyone else.
    First of all - we love you Nic. Quirks and all (we all have them!!!)!
    Second - as to why I feel that perhaps I didn’t ask as many questions as I should have.
    a) I was quite surprised when the announcement reached me ... Having seen you only a few weeks earlier at little miss' birthday party looking happy and content to the point where I had to fight of a twinge of jealousy.
    b) I don't want to intrude or offend by seeming critical. I never manage to ask things without offending so I figured the best was to offer support WITHOUT questioning.
    c)I assumed that as the caring person I know you are that such a decision was EXTREMELY hard and was not spur of the moment. I also assumed that you tried to make the process as easy as possible on everyone involved - especially your daughter! I also assumed there were days when you cried yourself to sleep or locked yourself in the toilet because of the deep emotions that come with the breakup of a once vital relationship. I cried for your pain - I bet you didn’t know that! I also assumed that you loved your new partner and how he made you feel about yourself.
    d) Whoever said that you were neglecting your daughter deserves to be hung drawn and quartered. ANYONE who has met you knows how she is the blood in your veins - the reason your heart beats! You would never ever ever neglect her needs or even her wants - whether it is physical or emotional! I don't know who said it - but If I know you.... you disappointment me greatly with your cold and callous words. And that’s all I can say while holding my temper about that!
    e) I was embarrassed. Yep. Classic me - when I first met your ex (having been celebrating my sisters 21st with a few - and a few more - drinks) I told him something along the lines of "Don't you ever hurt her!". It was unforgivably rude and still embarrasses me today. I do however think that it shows that I care about you as I do my flesh and blood sister. I was very worried about how that event may seem in hindsight.
    I am very sorry if you ever felt I didn't care. I certainly do - even when it's been forever since we caught up. Just ask my sister - I ask her how you're doing all the time!

  2. Cass,
    This blog wasn't directed at individuals, it was more a vent at the fact that when I most needed it, my support network seemed to just evaporate.

    Nobody knew what to say or do, and so nobody called, nobody offered to take me shopping, come round for a coffee, get pedicures or anything. I felt very alone, and still, to this day, I have to chase people to catch up with me.

    Of course it is better now, but my friend, in the simple act of caring for me, dredged up a lot of feelings about what I went through at that time that I thought I wanted to write about.

    This blog for me is like a diary, albeit an open one. I write for myself, to sort out my head and try to put down some of my more complex feelings and make sense of them in writing.

    I am sorry if you are dissapointed in me, but everybody has negative thoughts. Everyone has bad days. Not everyone verbalises or writes about them though.

    If I have really upset you, give me a call please.

  3. okay, Now I just re-read that as you are disapointed in the person that spread the rumour...okay, if I have misunderstood that, I'm sorry!

  4. I didn't know you back then, but I'm glad I know you and Stephen now. I'm glad you're happy now, you fit well together, and you're both good people...

    Mike T.

  5. my precious darling,

    I know that on the surface you put on a fantastic show that everything was honky dory (yes you are a great actress - you will be in hollywood one day).... However i know that you were greatly unhappy in your previous relationship towards the end... and as he reads this blog, i wont publicly tell him what i REALLLLY think of him....

    But anyways...

    However, i see the happy you NOW! and i love Stephen for it! He brings out the good in you, and he doesnt make you cry in the middle of a supermarket while your shopping with your best friend becuase he has been a JERK!

    It is hard when the situation arises, and if not for your support ( even though of late i know my choices have upset you), I wouldnt have followed my heart in the same matter that you did! YOU are MY inspiration!

    You KNEW that there would be hard times ahead, but you followed your heart so that you could be back to the positive glowing person that we all know you as. People were AWFUL to you, and said and did things that were horrific!

    You had to put up with rumours of being the "other woman", a tramp, home wrecker etc... However people fail to remember that a relationship is a TWO way street, and that if Stephen did not love you, he would not of risked the losses that he did too so that he could make you "his".

    To the individual that said that you are a bad parent - well FUCK THEM! We know that you live only for your beautiful ava, and now you also care for the darling izz! It takes a VERY strong woman to care for not only your child, but someone else's also - and i can say you do a top job!! Your and stephen's girls are well adjusted, caring, RESPECTFUL ladies! I cant wait to fast forward 20 years and see how they turn out!

    I love you nicole (and stephen), and your a remarkable woman. I have been and always will be here for yoU! I know it sucks being 5 hours apart from each other, but Im always here! You the best aunty for all my (5) kids that they could ask for!

    LOVE LVOE huges hugs xxxxxx